The Shying

my heart beats, & i laugh & pound my fist into the wall.
"don't look" he shouts.
i do any way.
will i find my love within these darkened corridors?
i shake,
i don't want to look anymore!
i am lost.
i don't know who or what i am now.
i cut,
the cold blade on my warm flesh feels so good.
warm, warm, i want HER warmth!
but no, no, today it will not come...
even if i wish it to.
the blade runs across my arm.
the skin pills off like a rubber glove,
it leaves in its wake a scarlet mass of bone & wire,
both animal & man.
i clinch in the pain,
then i slowly raise up,
i look, i look, but do not see,
& i laugh
...i laugh.